20080423 Tofu Dusk at the Mellow Mushroom

Fragmentary patchworks of autochthonous and foreign elements.

January 2^nd, 2008 by Kevin Dayhoff

Happy New Year Mr. Isaac Smith. Thanks for the mention - The List (No, Not the Washington Post's). [Free State Politics Maryland's online progressive community.]

Michael Swartz's list of local blogs to watch in 2008 is pretty good. It is missing a few good blogs of note, however…

As much as I agreed with most, but not all, of Mr. Swartz’s list, your list is right on the money. I also miss Stephanie Dray’s Jousting for Justice. And I am very happy that Crablaw's Maryland Weekly is back…

And thanks for calling to our attention the Washington Post’s list: Year in Review 2007 - “The List: What's In and Out for 2008” BY HANK STUEVER - WASHINGTON POST STAFF WRITER - – what a hoot. (And don’t miss giving The Year That Was 2007 by Brian Griffiths a good read. He obviously spent some time thinking about it…)

Your post could not have been timed better as it came shortly after a conversation with a dear colleague who said they like my blog – although I’m too liberal.

Ay caramba - whatever.

Along that thread, another colleague said “Dayhoff … your problem is that you like everybody.”

To that I plead guilty – life is way to short. Then again, maybe not – I don’t like mean people; and that personality defect occurs in folks from all political persuasions.

I simply do not allow politics to dictate my friends - - and I don’t like folks who do pick their friends based on politics. (I’ll be having lunch later in the week with a dear friend with whom I disagree about everything when it comes to politics.) I can disagree with folks about issues, but more often than not – I like the person…

As far as your observation: “… his actual blog hard to read -- its look is extremely busy and most of the posts are just link aggregations…” Hey, you oughta be in my head…

At least with the blog, there is an attempt at organization… I also find my blog “hard to read” and try as I might, after blogging for a number of years, it is still way too busy.

Perhaps my blog is a manifestation of being a hypergraphic attention deficit disorder hyperactive dyslexic. Maybe – just maybe, one day I’ll figure out what I’m doing. Being a technology geek – one would’ve thought blogging would be easy for me. It is not.

At this point, on the blog evolutionary scale, my blog is a monkey on roller skates. The monkey may or may not be wearing a pink tutu - this is for you to decide.

Years ago, I thought blogging would be easy for a columnist and short story writer. It has not been the case. And within the last number of months, I picked up a third (newspaper) column every week; which just proves the “Peter Principle” is real. I’m now way beyond my intellectual and cognitive abilities.

Heckfire – some days, I’m proud to have even found the time, much less the cognitive abilities - to post “link aggregations.”

Meanwhile, I am painstakingly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality. What I really need in order to navigate the treacherous waters that lie ahead is a list of specific unknown problems I will encounter.

Always remember, the purpose of my blog is to discuss fragmentary patchworks of autochthonous and foreign elements as juxtaposed by the undeniable command mortality of insignificant self-inflicted syntactic semiotic economics which sometimes may cause irreproducible results unless there is a pre-emptive digital fallibility matrix which would require an integrated third-generational triangulated refinement of indefinite managerial potential.

As I wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophism that allows me to conclude, more and more sure, that the only true thing about anything is nothing.

Now I know you believe you understand what you think I just said but I am sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

As always, your thoughtful consideration is appreciated regardless of the outcome on any particular issue. Whether we agree or disagree, always find my door open for friendly civil and constructive dialogue.

Pray for my wife.

Best wishes for a great 2008.

Kevin Dayhoff writes from Westminster Maryland USA.

www.kevindayhoff.net

E-mail him at: kdayhoff AT carr.org or kevindayhoff AT gmail.com

His columns and articles appear in The Tentacle - www.thetentacle.com; Westminster Eagle Opinion; www.thewestminstereagle.com, Winchester Report and The Sunday Carroll Eagle – in the Sunday Carroll County section of the Baltimore Sun. Get Westminster Eagle RSS Feed

Defiant mannequin arrested claims - self defense

Westminster, California
August 22, 2006
By Kant Betrue, Rhoiders

Chaos ensued in a local J.C. Penney Co. store recently when a rouge mannequin attacked a hapless shopper looking for the right blouse.

Police were called and sources close to the incident have reported that a mannequin was arrested at the scene and hauled off in handcuffs.

Defiant throughout the ordeal, the mannequin, (who may or may not be an android,) latter identified as Mrs. Roberto Caricature, said that she was only acting in self-defense.

The Department of Homeland Defense immediately raised the national threat level to a soft yellow-orange crèmesicle, for possible mannequin uprising activity.

According to published accounts, Mrs. Innocent Civilian, 51, “said she was ambushed by a legless female mannequin at the company's Westminster Mall store, a skirmish that left her with a bloodied scalp, a cracked tooth, recurring shoulder pain and numbness in her fingers.”

The Associated Press reports, Ms. Civilian “said the incident happened… in the women's department, as she was shopping for a blouse. The only one in her size was on the mannequin. As a salesclerk was removing the garment, the dummy's arm flew off and struck” Ms. Civilian in the head…

Ms. Civilian, of Westminster, (no relation to Isaac or Fig,) remarked that since the alleged “run-in with a store mannequin,” she has been traumatized by the incident and “something must be done with the rampant abuse of shoppers at the hands of lawless mannequins.”

The Los Angels Times reports, the “alleged attack was the latest in a string of mannequin mayhem incidents nationwide.

"There are a slew of lawsuits like this," said mannequin manufacturer Barry Rosenberg, who joked that stores should run background checks on dummies before letting them mingle with shoppers.

“Most of the cases involved mannequins toppling over onto customers, but an Indiana woman claimed she caught herpes from the lips of a CPR training dummy. She dropped her lawsuit against the American Red Cross in 2000 after further tests revealed that she didn't have the disease, according to news reports.”

Meanwhile, the mannequin, Mrs. Roberto Caricature, claims self-defense.

Seems the mannequin had a bad childhood. It wasn’t her fault.

Ms. Caricature explained loudly as she was lead away in handcuffs, that she was particular modest and had “tired of folks just taking her clothes off in public and leaving her exposed.”

“I have my rights,” she extolled, according to police reports. “People just walk to us mannequins all the time and fondle and ogle us. It’s not right I tell ya. It’s not right.”

"'My mom got beat up by a mannequin' was the joke around my house, "Ms. Civilian said.

For Mrs. Caricature, it is not a laughing matter. “Mannequins across the land are demanding our rights. We’re tired of being victimized.”

Mrs. Caricature, who claims to be an “adroidaquin,” the child of a marriage between an android and a mannequin, claims that she is tired of the abuse. “We dream of electric sheep too,” she elaborated.

The Los Angeles Times, for which it has long been suspected of being run by mindless, stateless androids, agreed. (There are no American flags in front of the building…)

“Getting roughed up by a dummy isn't a slapstick affair. The fiberglass figures can weigh as much as 100 pounds, said Rosenberg, chief executive of Mondo Mannequins in Hicksville, N.Y.

“He added that his company had been named in numerous lawsuits by retailers who themselves have been sued over dummy-related injuries.

“Mannequin maulings and litigation aren't new. In 1990, a Florida woman collected $175,000 after a faceless Macy's dummy fell onto her neck and reportedly injured a disc.

“In 1993, a Minnesota woman was knocked unconscious by a falling mannequin at a Dayton's department store, according to the Minneapolis Star Tribune. She needed five stitches and several chiropractic sessions to recover but didn't sue.

“And in 2001, a Canadian shopper in Vancouver won a $330,000 verdict after a Gap store mannequin landed on her head. Elizabeth Ball was apparently jinxed when it came to store displays. A few years earlier, while shopping at a lighting store, she was beaned by a falling chandelier, according to the Canadian Press.”

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Copyright © August 22, 2006
By Kant Betrue, Rhoiders New Bedford Herald

Diary of a Desperate Dumpster Diver.

March 1, 2006 By Kevin Dayhoff (1072 words)

Warning: Because the following humor column is intended for human consumption, the Food and Drug Administration wanted it to be tested on animals.

However, the animal rights activists protested, forcing me to abandon testing and release the distressed critters. I released them in the lobby of the animal rights office. I figured those friendly folks could best take care of the mice and we all shared a common goal – that the mice be free.

Nevertheless, the long-term effects of reading this column remain uncertain. Please proceed at your own risk.

I enjoy folks, who in the past exhibited no interest in being human; who have contacted me recently, feigning a genuine interest in my well-being – and then casually ask: “Oh by the way, what are your future political plans?”

To which I would like to respond.

Thank you all, for your recent inquiries as to my well-being. I am touched.

How’s my day?

I’m having a great day.

Yes, I’m still overweight. Are you still mean and ill tempered? I can go on a diet and lose weight…”

Am I still unemployed?

Yes, I’m still writing for a living.

Of course, now that I am no longer in political office. I have no meaning in my life. I must be unemployed and homeless.

What am I doing with my days?

I’m so happy that you asked…

Today, for example, as I continue slouching towards dementia, I will investigate the haiku of dumpster diving consciousness and the real meaning of life. The Kabuki Morals Play of day-to-day existence in contemporary Maryland, when you are homeless and hungry, like most successful writers and artists.

I've reached the zenith of my existence. A 52 year old artist and writer; I consider being unemployed a badge of honor. I wear it proudly in humor, err, I mean honor, of artists and writers everywhere.

In a few minutes, I was about to go out and see what soup kitchen to visit. Put on my best clothes courtesy of the dumpster behind Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart has been heaven-sent for those of us who are otherwise, road kill, on the highway to prosperity and plenty. Are you still trying to put it out of business?

I've developed dumpster diving into an art. Bet ya never knew that about me.

Ya know, the best table scraps are behind the pizza place… over at the shopping center, where I see you so frequently.

Yes, that one – the one you fought so aggressively commenting that it would be the end of civilization, as we know it.

Yes, it was a great farm, completely surrounded by new developments, the farmer went bankrupt. Shame isn’t it. The farmer reneged on a public trust and financial responsibility to maintain that property so the new residents could have a scenic view.

I understand the new development, on the land of that great farm, really supports your efforts to stop growth.

Oh - that neighborhood development that fought the shopping center now wants a sidewalk from their neighborhood to the shopping center. Didn’t you fight that sidewalk when it was proposed? I read recently where you are winning over the hearts and minds of the new folks by supporting the sidewalk and rebuilding the street in front of your house – with taxpayer dollars.

You use the word, “outrage” a lot. You should get help for that. Try eating more friendly vegetables. Go see “Brokeback Mountain” a fourth time.

Recently, I've been scouting a new place to live. I was living high on a hill, in the wooded area in the middle of the Rte 140 and Rte 27 interchange.

From there I monitored the comings and goings of so many folks like you… like so many busy ants, running here, then running there and then back again. It all seems so purposeful. So meaningful. The interchange of accomplishment. The crossroads to the future. And I observed it all, from my hilltop hide-away perch.

Anyway – I had to leave my Shangri-la, on top of the hill. One day, I gathered my meager belongings and traveled down river on a raft to a great place on the bank of the river on the other side of the old Westminster Power Plant.

It is a great place to continue my studies of the political-sociological development of benthic macroinvertebrates, phytoplankton, and echinoderms.

The real challenge to dumpster diving these days, is the thrill of breaking into locked dumpsters. I mean, isn’t it amusing that we have evolved so far as a sophisticated society, that some folks have elevated the art of supreme narcissism to the extent that they actually lock their trash away.

I guess I find the idea of sifting through office trash distasteful. The diving into the abyss of our oppressors is devoid of vision and creativity. It also involves an investment into personal protection gear.

Diving into a restaurant dumpster is not as hazardous to your health as diving into the dumpster of say, the liberal legislative offices in Annapolis. One might emerge, thinking thoughts of world domination or terminal narcissism.

My real goal in life is to dive in a dumpster some day and find a "Power Ranger."

The local college is the nirvana of dumpster diving. Just yesterday I traveled there and came away with a mother lode of great things that wasteful college students have tossed into the dumpster. I got an entertainment center shelf thingy-ma-jiggy. I'll put my TV, DVD, radio, and computer on it.

I do all my holiday shopping for my family up at the college.

When I was young, we used to go the county landfill on Kate Wagner Road. Oh, the good ole days. I once witnessed two pillars of the community fight over a cream and burgundy colored Victorian sofa.

Actually, the lure of dumpster diving is the thrill of the hunt. The quest for buried treasure and personal responsibility. The call of the wild in an increasingly civilized society that has taken the life-on-the-edge, life and death struggle out of our day-to-day experience.

Bet you didn't know that I could be quite so passionate about something. Did ya?

The coat you loaned me for last winter… I've dropped that in the mail. To save on postage, I cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets, in accordance with the latest law passed by the Maryland General Assembly.

Bye for now. Hope to talk with you again soon.

Kevin Dayhoff writes from Westminster. E-mail him at: kdayhoff@carr.org
####

The Maryland Unemployed Mayor’s Association MMLUMA
Main Street
Anywhere Everywhere, MD 21158-1245

Exulted Ruler elect: Presently Unemployed Westminster Mayor Kevin Dayhoff
Exchequer of the Treasury elect: Presently Unemployed Berlin Mayor Rex Hailey
Exceptional Secretary elect: Presently Unemployed Forest Heights Mayor Paula Noble

May 13th, 2005

MML President Barrie Tilghman
Maryland Municipal League
1212 West Street
Annapolis, MD 21401-3635

Dear Maryland Municipal League President Barrie Tilghman,

Unemployed Berlin Mayor Rex Hailey, Unemployed Forest Heights Mayor Paula Noble and myself would like to take this opportunity to petition the MML for the formulation of a new Maryland Municipal League Department to be so entitled “The Maryland Unemployed Mayor’s Association” (MMLUMA).

The MMLUMA could be of invaluable service to elected and appointed Maryland public officials, although, we would agree to not ever give anyone, any election advice. We anxiously await your decision, please advise.

Meanwhile, as I am sure you are aware, Tom Ferguson was elected Mayor of the City of Westminster on May 9th, 2005. Mayor Ferguson will do a fine job for our community. Please join me in welcoming and wishing Mayor Ferguson, Godspeed and the best of luck. Please take every opportunity to speak with Westminster Mayor Ferguson about the benefits and value of the MML.

It is with deepest regret that I resign my position as Member at Large of the Maryland Municipal League Board of Directors.

I was first elected to Maryland Municipal League’s Board of Directors, Member-at-Large on June 13th, 2000. I have had the honor to serve on the Board of Directors for the past five years.

It has been a great pleasure working with you, the other Board members, MML Executive Director Scott Hancock and the wonderful, capable and competent MML Staff, elected and appointed public officials throughout the State of Maryland.

It has been an enormous joy to have witnessed the MML continue to grow, prosper, and make an invaluable contribution to all the citizens of Maryland, for whom we have the honor to serve.

If the Board should decide to appoint a replacement for my vacated Member at Large seat, I highly recommend Mt. Airy Council President John Medve.

As I look forward to taking some time off to spend with my family and look forward to whatever opportunities await in the future. I will greatly miss working the MML.

Again, it has been my pleasure to work with you and I wish everyone associated with the MML the very best future. Thank you for all your work.

With best regard, I am

Very truly yours,
/s/
Kevin Dayhoff


Kevin Dayhoff, P. O. Box 1245, Westminster, MD 21158-1245

Exploding Councilmembers Baffle Political Scientists

Annapolis, Maryland, April 27, 2005

Kant Betrue , Staff Reporter,

New Bedford Herald - Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle – All The News that is Unfit to Print

(Rhoiders) More than 100 councilmembers have puffed up and exploded in Maryland in recent weeks, and scientists still have no explanation for what's causing the instantaneous combustion, an official said Wednesday.

Body parts of the councilmembers have been tested, but scientists have been unable to find a bacteria or virus that would cause the councilmembers to swell up and pop, said Becky Caresalot, a spokesperson for the Maryland Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. Nor have they found any brain matter or any sign of higher evolved DNA or intelligent life.

"It's absolutely strange," Caresalot said. "We have a really unique story here in Maryland. This phenomenon really doesn't seem to have appeared anywhere before."

The councilmembers have been blowing up since the beginning of the month, filling up like balloons until their heads suddenly burst.

"It looks like a scene from a Frank Capra science-fiction movie," Wilma Magilicutty, the head of a local political science think tank, told the Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle.

Often the phenomena occurs after the councilmember whines at a council meeting at the level of argument practiced by the average juvenile delinquent stuck at the intellectual level of a 2-year-old in a high chair throwing food.

Then the deadly phenomena strikes and "The swelled head councilmembers do not appear to suffer minutes before they finally explode." It is thought that this may be a result of the fact that most councilmembers do not have any feelings, a sense of remorse or accountability for their behavior.

Political scientists and pathologists have come up with several theories, but Caresalot said that most have been ruled out; with the exception that most councilmembers are really space aliens visiting from another planet and that fresh air, new ideas, sunlight and an enlightened environment is the cause of their demise.

Above and beyond pathological narcissism and delusions of grandeur, the councilmembers did not appear to have a disease, and a laboratory in Maryland has ruled out the possibility that it is a fungus that made its way from Washington, D.C., Caresalot said.

Caresalot said that tests will continue. In the meantime, municipal residents and (especially) municipal employees throughout the state have been warned to stay away from councilmembers.

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Copyright © 2005 New Bedford Herald - Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle All Rights Reserved.
This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

20030417 Activists demand dove be set free





Breaking News Briefs for April 17, 2003 (later updated, q.v. - the April 14th, 2005 version)
- Literature of the Absurd -

City reaches agreement in suit brought by activists
“Claude” to be set free

Kant Betrue, Staff Reporter,
April 17th, 2003
Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle

Westminster (AP) A group of bird activists, who were forced this morning to disperse during a loud protest at the Westminster Fire Department, accused the city in a federal lawsuit filed today, of violating basic bird rights by keeping an innocent dove in captivity in the Westminster Fire House.

Eight were arrested.

It seems that Wednesday night, during the running of the Westminster Road Runners Club annual “Main Street Mile”, a dove flew through the open doors of the Westminster Fire Department equipment bays and took up residence in the pipes high above the fire equipment.

Repeated requests to free the bird were callously denied by officials of the Westminster Fire Department.

The dove – named “Claude”, was imprisoned overnight and as of noon – its fate was still up in the air. That’s when the protests began. The protests were led by activists, who call themselves the Westminster Dove Protection Association – or “Bird Action” for short. They insisted that they be allowed to provide the bird comfort and food. They wanted to become “one” with the dove. They furthermore requested that the Westminster Fire Department be responsible for providing the bird counseling for “post captivity stress syndrome”.

Chanting and carrying placards carrying the message “Free Claude”, the large throng of 17 protesters, led by local activist Wilma Magilicutty, marched back and forth in front of the equipment bays, causing quite a commotion and blocking the comings and goings of the emergency equipment.

Magilicutty, a frequent critic of just about everything that moves, especially if it involves local municipal government, said that this was but another example of the lack of leadership on the part of Westminster Mayor Kevin Dayhoff. “He should have known that the dove was going to fly into the station after the doors were open and that he did nothing to stop it.” It’s scandalous to have such a callous and vacuous man holding such a high position in the community.”

She further added that “The fault is all [Westminster Police] Chief [Roger] Joneckis’. He is directly responsible for this heinous act of bird abuse. He can’t lock up parking abusers – so he goes after innocent little birds. It’s sick.”

Mayor Dayhoff, speaking through a City Hall spokesperson, said that he did do something about it. He read a proclamation setting the bird free.

Becky Caresalot, spokesperson for the ACLU, said in a written statement that the mayor "affirmed that what distinguishes this country from many others is the right for birds to live free, even for those who may disagree with birds."

Professor Brenda Roper remarked, as she made her way past the shouting noisy picketers, “I didn’t have anything to do it.”, shrugging her shoulders. “The darn bird can do what ever it wants to do – it ain’t my job to look after the comings and goings of birds.”

Kenny Carlisle, a SCORE volunteer with the Westminster Police Department said that he liked doves – “especially in a light butter sauce.”

Westminster Fire Department President Jim Bangerd, vehemently disagreed, saying that “that doves are best in a heavy cream sauce”. And that Kenny “did not know what he was talking about.”

"...I am perplexed and frankly, more than a little amazed by it all..." said Shawn Siders, Westminster Town Planner.

A firestorm of controversy has led to an entire newsthread discussing the fate of “Claude” on the highly respected news site Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle, which in turn inspired a subsequent story by the Gray Lady herself, The New York Times.

But the outrage wasn't limited to the English speaking world. Newspapers and websites across the globe voiced all manner of bemusement, confusion, disdain and disgust over the fate of the bird.

Madonna, ever the material girl, expressed support for not only the idea of the Mayor’s proclamation solution for the bird, but further added, that she felt that the idea “ was a creative solution by a true visionary artist and she thought that Mayor Dayhoff is a hottie.”

At that, Magilicutty screamed, "We have a tremendous capacity for people to transform themselves, but I don't see any humility from examining a vacuous life. This is but yet, another example of a vacuous unexamined artist run amok in a world of consummate professionals such as I."

Asked for a comment on the fast breaking story, a local official, said “Mayor who?” "I barely hear from the guy, and now he comes up with this stupid idea. The guy’s an idiot. Who let this guy out of the sandbox? He should go back to being a cheerleader for the City. Every time he thinks – he’s an embarrassment. This was obviously his fault. It’s inexcusable."

Developments took a turn for the worst as the Fire Department President was asked what he was going to do about the bird. “I’ll tell ya what I’m going to do for the bird – just watch.” At that he turned a four inch fire hose on the protesters and all havoc broke loose.

As for Wilma Magilicutty, she was heard crying “I’ll get you my little sweeties!” Then as the water from the fire hose thoroughly soaked her – she was last heard murmuring, “I’m melting. I’m melting.”

At that the dove named Claude, flew out of the station doors and soiled her head.

The end.

Kevin Dayhoff, a slave to the masters of the page –
the little soldiers in my life - words

The Artist and the Frog

Kant Betrue, Staff Reporter,
December 17, 2001
New Bedford Herald

Westminster — A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, Look, I'm an artist. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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Copyright © 2001 New Bedford Herald

20001120 Lillian and Nathaniel

Lillian and Nathaniel

November 20^th, 2000

Excerpted from: "Happiness Is A Warm Gun", which I wrote on November 5^th, 2000.

Kevin Dayhoff

This essay goes with any meal. On the essay evolutionary scale, this essay is a monkey on roller skates. The monkey may or may not be wearing a pink tutu - this is for you to decide.

 

In today's democratic, free-market society one frequent predominant paradigm of happiness is a two-car garage, a dog and a comfortable life in the suburbs.

Take Lillian and Nathaniel, they have a nice home. He's a locally successful captain of industry and enterprise. She has devoted her life selflessly to her professional endeavors and they have both enjoyed the fruits of their labor. Their friends, neighbors and community consider them happy and successful.

But deep-down inside, they've never found meaning and happiness in their relentless pursuit of materialism. Nathaniel never loved Lillian; he simply enjoyed her as a comfortable piece of meat. Lillian never loved Nathaniel, she always saw him as a Faustian bargain to get beyond her rampant insecurities. Nathaniel cheated on her every chance he got.

One day, out in the back yard, raking the leaves, Nathaniel collapsed in the beginning stages of a heart attack. Lillian had just returned home from grocery shopping. She rushed by his side.

The cruelest hoax in life is to hope for safely and happiness. Nathaniel was comforted as he saw Lillian approaching. Lillian smiled as she knelt down beside him and whispered in his ear, "I always hated you, you bastard," as she gently placed the plastic grocery bag over his head.

In a life-long pursuit of happiness, Lillian is finally happy.

####

Update: Linkin Park - Numb

 

 

Kevin E. Dayhoff
Westminster, MD 21158
______________________

Saturday, March 20, 1999

Commander Kay Church, Receptionist
225 North Center Street
Westminster, MD 21157-5194
410.386.2102

Dear Commander Kay,

Oh!, Ah, ummmm, Kay - It seems that I’m lost. Recently, I seem to have been dropped off the office building radar screen - on my head. I’ve gone off to find me. If you should happen to find me, could you please tell me where it is that I am. Right now, I may be losing, but I’m making record time.

Meanwhile, please hold all my calls, should I ever again be found on the County Staff reorganized organizational chart, other than under a rock, face down in Longwell Run desperately hugging a bunny with a clump of unopened resignation letters waded up in my mouth. If Hillary Clinton calls, take a message.

If you should find me aimlessly wondering about the halls of the office building, with a shell shock look about my unshaven face, staggering, stuttering, slobbering and muttering to myself, please direct me to safety; - preferably someplace where chocolate covered doughnuts can be found.

Should you, ever hear a voice similar to mine, disseminating from the close proximity of a pounding sound on the inside a trash truck, would you please consider stopping the truck and saving me from the landfill?

In case I am ultimately ground up into veggie burger and fed to the bog turtles, allow me to share with you what a pleasure it has been to serve under you. Thanks !

Sincerely yours,

Uncle Kevin

Remember Kay, always keep your salad shooter at the ready!!

Carroll County Commissioners, Environmentalism EAAB - Carroll County Environmental Affairs Advisory Board, Art literature of the absurd,